Rituals Are Healthy For Relationships

Rituals are healthy for relationships. They provide continuity and connection for couples, families and friends.

One of our rituals as a couple involves journaling important events that occur throughout the year. 

Every year, on our wedding anniversary, we turn over a new page. We read the previous year and always choose one other year to remember., sharing stories and memories of our lives together

What rituals do you have?

Tip of the Week

Learn one new thing about your partner today.

Focus on the Positives in Your Marriage

Look at the good that is there … in your relationship and within yourself and your partner.  Sure, there are problems in every marriage.  No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect.  The more you notice … and acknowledge what is good and what you like, the more likely it is that you will get more of that back.

So often when we see couples, one of their main complaints is that the other is negative, critical or nagging.  Look for ways to be sure that your spouse understands that you love him or her … and that you like him or her.  Accentuate the goodness and notice the results.

John Gottman, PhD, the famous researcher of marriages, found a formula of 5 positives for every 1 negative in healthy relationships.  When that ratio is present, couples are able to sail through problems, disagreements and challenges because they have a reservoir of good will.  It is easy to work with someone with whom you have a positive relationship.

While it is easiest when both focus on positives, one person can bring change alone.

When the music changes, so does the dance.

Avoiding the Seduction of a Fight

Some people are able to remain calm during a disagreement while others avoid conflict completely.  Still others blow up quickly and seem to enjoy the fight.

Steve and Cindy fought a lot.  Their friends referred to them as “The Bickersons” and kept their contact with them as a couple to a minimum, especially when it included drinking.

While their fights did not include throwing things or hitting each other … yet, there was still a lot of passion and volatility.

Steve and Cindy  liked their passion.  It went quite well in their bedroom; however, it was pretty destructive to their feelings about themselves and each other and, now that they had 2 children, they were especially concerned about their style.

Cindy and Steve agreed that they could share equally in the escalation of the fighting.  They could agree on that when they were calm, that is.  Otherwise, things quickly deteriorated to blaming and accusing the other of being the aggressor.

Both also agreed that they knew each other’s “hot spots” and even confessed to using them to gain power in fights.  They also acknowledged that they really had difficulty resisting the fight when it started.  Both felt a need to prove their point or win the argument.

Click here to read the rest of the article about resisting the pull of an argument.

Have You Fallen Out of Love?

If so, you may not be making your marriage a priority.

It is so easy for life … jobs, children, golf, social activities, to take on more importance than a marriage.

When the flames are not fanned, the fire dies.

Couples who do not tend to the garden grow a lot of weeds and the garden loses its important crop.

It is so easy to turn to other interesting people or to find the things that you do NOT like about your partner when the marriage is not a priority.

10 Strategies to Protect Your Marriage in a Step Family Or My Stepchildren Are Stressing My Marriage!

Living in a step family can be dangerous to a marriage.

It is not easy to rear children.  Each child is different and requires thoughtful work and planning for the best way to teach and discipline.  It may be hard when you are married to your child’s parent.  It can be many times harder when you are not married to your child’s parent … and you are married to someone else!

In all marriages, there are disagreements.  (While some couples may say that they never disagree, that does not mean that they like and agree with everything that their spouse does, they may just not talk about it.)  Money, sex, children and in-laws are the top 4 but we could name the top 25 pretty easily.

All perpetual issues are heightened in a step family.

Differences in parenting may also be one of those perpetual issues that couples argue over.  When the children are the birth children of your spouse, it is often easier to believe that you both have the same goal in mind.  When the other parent is a step parent, however, that is often not so easy.  Stepchildren make it much more complicated.

It is too easy to let the parenting disagreements bleed over into the fabric of the marital relationship, especially in a step family.  When someone that you care about criticizes your child or your success as a parent, good feelings erode and, over time, can erode good feelings about each other and about the marriage.

Nurturing a marriage is hard as well when there are children around. Life is just busier and time together is often hard to get. When some of those children are stepchildren and may actually resent you being a part of their family, it is hard to find quality time as a couple.  High quality time (it’s not always possible to have high quantity) is crucial to maintain a healthy and viable marriage.  It is paramount to keeping the love alive, especially in a step family.

Click here to read the rest of the article on protecting your marriage in a step family.

Affairs: Dangerous for Relationships

Affairs are painful and dangerous for relationships.  They bring feelings of extreme hurt, betrayal and anger. The revelation of the affair can be one of the most painful things that happens in a marriage. Once the secret has been uncovered, couples face tumultuous emotions and a series of high intensity exchanges and crises.  We have a great deal of expertise with this problem, have helped many couples navigate this territory and would be happy to help you through this time.

Marriages Can Recover From An Affair

Many marriages do, however, recover from the revelation of an affair.  Often both partners express the opinion, months, sometimes years down the road, that in some crazy way, the affair was a “gift” for the marriage as they have become stronger and recovered or developed the skills required for true intimacy.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Troubled Marriages and the Holidays

Being in a troubled marriage is hard at any time.  Over the holidays it is even harder.  There is such a spotlight on relationships and the myth that everyone is happy pervades society.

I specialize in work with couples and find many of my sessions during the month of December involve survival skills for the holidays.

Whether the couple is facing a high level of conflict, infidelity and betrayal, or feeling distant and unconnected, the sadness, pain and loneliness are intensified.

Here are some of the survival skills that I have suggested as well as ones that my clients have shared with me for ways to piece together some peace during the holidays.

*  Remember that you are in charge of your own buttons, your mouth and your behavior.  You don’t have to be part of an escalating argument.  You can choose to be more peaceful, maybe detaching with love.

It really does take two to have an argument and you can choose to tell your spouse that you are “taking a bye” over the holidays.  You will be glad to spend time together when things are easy but this is not a time to fight or disagree about issues.
That can come later and, maybe with the new year, a new perspective.
______________________
Sandy found ways to quietly say to Stan that she knew that they had a lot of things to talk about.  She knew that he was unhappy about her lack of interest in sex and how busy that she was with the children and her friends.

She reminded him that she also had concerns; however, until Christmas was over, she was going to take a moratorium on those discussions and look for peace in the family.

Sandy told Stan that she planned to write down her thoughts about both of their concerns when she was upset or thought about things, but would wait to address them until after the holidays were over.  She hoped that he could do the same and could accept that she was not going to talk about problems until January 2.
Click here to read the rest of the article.

Are You the Garden or the Gardener?

Or are you open for both?

In healthy relationships, it is important to be able to do both.  Relationships and partners need tending, nurturing and care.  Sometimes they need to be fed and other times, just enjoyed.

Tending and nurturing are necessary for both partners.  Giving without receiving is empty, frustrating and demoralizing.

Some find ways to always be in charge of the gardening and have a hard time just being the garden.

Some believe that the gardener is there just to care for them.

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Counseling Relationships Online

Healing from Affairs

ADD in One Spouse Affects the Marriage

ADD or ADHD in one half of a marriage can cause problems throughout the relationship.  The partner of someone affected by ADD might feel as if he or she has another child rather than an adult partner as the struggles with consistency, routines and what feels like irresponsibility can build up resentment in a spouse.

This New York Times article does a really nice job of scratching the surface of the problem.  It is hard to know what it is like unless you have first-hand experience but sometimes, just knowing what it is can be an important step toward a happier and healthier relationship.  Click here to read the article.

We would be interested in reading about your experiences, successes and struggles with Adult ADD and your relationship.  Please add your comments here.

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Counseling Relationships Online

Healing from Affairs