Affairs: Dangerous for Relationships

Affairs are painful and dangerous for relationships.  They bring feelings of extreme hurt, betrayal and anger. The revelation of the affair can be one of the most painful things that happens in a marriage. Once the secret has been uncovered, couples face tumultuous emotions and a series of high intensity exchanges and crises.  We have a great deal of expertise with this problem, have helped many couples navigate this territory and would be happy to help you through this time.

Marriages Can Recover From An Affair

Many marriages do, however, recover from the revelation of an affair.  Often both partners express the opinion, months, sometimes years down the road, that in some crazy way, the affair was a “gift” for the marriage as they have become stronger and recovered or developed the skills required for true intimacy.

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Keep Your Marriage Interesting: Learn One Way to Keep it Strong

One recent research study noted that 55% of women and 65% of men have had extra marital affairs.  A growing number of those who have affairs are saying that they would describe their marriages as happy ones with relatively satisfying sex lives.

Today’s technology makes it too easy to connect with old flames or begin relationships with colleagues or acquaintances.  Couples have to work together to keep the interest, connection and joy within their relationship.

There is nothing like the surge in excitement that comes from an affair.  There is actually a change in brain chemistry that allows people to feel more alive, youthful and happier than before.  The change is better than a drug and can be as addictive.

One way to affair-proof a marriage is to find ways to keep your relationship interesting, different and one that enhances you and your partner and broadens your horizons.

Researchers at Stony Brook University conducted an experiment with couples asking them questions such as:
“How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences?
“How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?
“How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?”

These researchers wonder if couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of growth with their partner and thereby lift their level of commitment.

The study is led by Dr. Arthur Aron who commented that these new and exciting opportunities offer couples some of the same things that they might have done when in their early stages of the relationship, staying up late and talking, learning more about each other and being excited about new experiences together.

Affairs and the Betrayed Spouse

Question:

I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me.  All of the advice that I read is to go slowly and not overreact.  HOW CAN I NOT SCREAM, YELL, CRY AND THROW THE CHEATER OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

Answer:

The advice that you have been given is good.  Many a marriage that could have survived ended abruptly and with a quick reaction rather than a well-thought-out plan.

Finding ways to calm yourself as you talk through the experience … over days, weeks and months, will help your marriage and each of you as individuals.  You will have an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself.

This is not easy and each person has to find ways to think clearly.  It does not mean that you cannot let your spouse know how hurt, angry, disappointed and deceived you feel … in strong terms.  It does mean that your marriage has a much greater chance to succeed and grow if you allow yourself and your spouse time to think through what has happened and work through it (mostly) calmly.

We would be interested in learning about your experiences in this time of first revelation of an affair.  Please head over to our Healing-from-Affairs Forum and share your experiences, comments, questions and successes.

Counseling Relationships Online

Healing from Affairs

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Healing from Affairs

Check out our new resource and online counseling website, Healing from Affairs.

We decided to develop this website because we have so many couples that we meet who have been impacted by an affair.  Healing is never easy but, if couples move through it with thoughtfulness and respect for each other, most marriages do recover and can even grow stronger.

Yes, there are many painful thoughts and feelings that this engenders in couples … certainly for the one betrayed but also for the one who betrayed.  We hope that this can become an opportunity for learning and sharing issues, concerns and even successes.

Healing from Affairs

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Healing from Affairs

We have a new website.  It is up and running and we plan to add to it in the future.  The focus of it is affairs … and ways to help your relationship heal from an affair.

Check it out.  Hook up in our forum and, if you are interested in help for your own situation, contact us for in-person or online counseling.

Healing from Affairs

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Eight Steps to Take to Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Steps 5 through 8

Here are 4 more suggestions for affair-proofing your marriage.

5.  Invite your spouse to join you for social opportunities and talk over those social opportunities that may be work or professionally related that would not include your spouse so that you can decide together about attending.

6.  Clearly, in work settings, there will be times that you may need to be with others that you might find interesting or attractive.  Work hard to keep the conversations about business and limit personal information.  Some affairs develop very innocently and just “sneak up”.

7.  If/when you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex … and that occurs for most people … let your spouse know.  This may be a hard conversation … but put it out on the table so that it is not a secret.  Do whatever you can to stop contact with this other person.  Then step up your positive thinking about your spouse as well as visible signs of affection.

8.  If you find yourself unhappy in the relationship and tempted to go somewhere else, talk it over with your spouse.  If that does not help, ask for couples counseling.  If your spouse will not join you, go alone … but try hard to engage them first.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Eight Steps To Take To Affair-Proof Your Marriage

There are things that couples can do to proactively protect their marriage from an affair.  Some of these suggestions may require effort, while others may come naturally.

Here are the first 4 suggestions.

1. First and foremost, maintain open and honest communication in your relationship.  Disagreements are healthy and a lack of openness about things that bother you can lead to unhappiness and distancing.
2. Find ways to keep your marriage interesting and nurturing.  (Yes, that can happen … although there are times that it may take some effort.)  Go to new places, try new things, with and without the children.
3. Keep your sex life active.
4. Limit the amount of time that you spend with people of the opposite sex or those who might be potential romantic partners.  Don’t go to lunch alone, have personal e-mail or phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex about things other than business.  If there is anything that you feel that you should keep secret from your spouse, then simply do not do it.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Top Ten Reasons Why People Have Affairs: Reason # 10. Desire To Fill Gaps In An Existing Relationship

Some affairs happen as people meet others who appear to give them what their spouse does not provide.  This may be positive connection, time together, intellectual stimulation, a listening and sympathetic partner.

These affairs are not necessarily intentional ones.  The person having the affair does not seek out someone who can fill in the gap, often they just occur over time with another person.

Coming next:
Now that we have spent time talking about some of the reasons why people have affairs, we will spend time discussing ways that couples can affair-proof their relationship.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Top Ten Reasons Why People Have Affairs: Reason #9: Excitement, Risk, or Challenge

For some, the pursuit of difference, excitement or risk is the reason for an affair.  Some get “hooked” on the emotional and brain chemistry changes that occur from the pursuit and conquest.

This generally fits with someone who has personal psychological issues more than a problem with the relationship.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Top Ten Reasons Why People Have Affairs: Reason #8. Romance and Love

Today’s media glorifies love and romance.  You cannot turn on television, especially daytime television, listen to music or go to a movie without watching or hearing about two people who find a tremendous romance.

Many today find that love and romance is no longer living within their marriage and they miss the emotional and physiological “high” that romance and first love can bring.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville