Affairs: Dangerous for Relationships

Affairs are painful and dangerous for relationships.  They bring feelings of extreme hurt, betrayal and anger. The revelation of the affair can be one of the most painful things that happens in a marriage. Once the secret has been uncovered, couples face tumultuous emotions and a series of high intensity exchanges and crises.  We have a great deal of expertise with this problem, have helped many couples navigate this territory and would be happy to help you through this time.

Marriages Can Recover From An Affair

Many marriages do, however, recover from the revelation of an affair.  Often both partners express the opinion, months, sometimes years down the road, that in some crazy way, the affair was a “gift” for the marriage as they have become stronger and recovered or developed the skills required for true intimacy.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Keep Your Marriage Interesting: Learn One Way to Keep it Strong

One recent research study noted that 55% of women and 65% of men have had extra marital affairs.  A growing number of those who have affairs are saying that they would describe their marriages as happy ones with relatively satisfying sex lives.

Today’s technology makes it too easy to connect with old flames or begin relationships with colleagues or acquaintances.  Couples have to work together to keep the interest, connection and joy within their relationship.

There is nothing like the surge in excitement that comes from an affair.  There is actually a change in brain chemistry that allows people to feel more alive, youthful and happier than before.  The change is better than a drug and can be as addictive.

One way to affair-proof a marriage is to find ways to keep your relationship interesting, different and one that enhances you and your partner and broadens your horizons.

Researchers at Stony Brook University conducted an experiment with couples asking them questions such as:
“How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences?
“How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?
“How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?”

These researchers wonder if couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of growth with their partner and thereby lift their level of commitment.

The study is led by Dr. Arthur Aron who commented that these new and exciting opportunities offer couples some of the same things that they might have done when in their early stages of the relationship, staying up late and talking, learning more about each other and being excited about new experiences together.

Affairs and the Betrayed Spouse

Question:

I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me.  All of the advice that I read is to go slowly and not overreact.  HOW CAN I NOT SCREAM, YELL, CRY AND THROW THE CHEATER OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

Answer:

The advice that you have been given is good.  Many a marriage that could have survived ended abruptly and with a quick reaction rather than a well-thought-out plan.

Finding ways to calm yourself as you talk through the experience … over days, weeks and months, will help your marriage and each of you as individuals.  You will have an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself.

This is not easy and each person has to find ways to think clearly.  It does not mean that you cannot let your spouse know how hurt, angry, disappointed and deceived you feel … in strong terms.  It does mean that your marriage has a much greater chance to succeed and grow if you allow yourself and your spouse time to think through what has happened and work through it (mostly) calmly.

We would be interested in learning about your experiences in this time of first revelation of an affair.  Please head over to our Healing-from-Affairs Forum and share your experiences, comments, questions and successes.

Counseling Relationships Online

Healing from Affairs

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Healing from Affairs

Check out our new resource and online counseling website, Healing from Affairs.

We decided to develop this website because we have so many couples that we meet who have been impacted by an affair.  Healing is never easy but, if couples move through it with thoughtfulness and respect for each other, most marriages do recover and can even grow stronger.

Yes, there are many painful thoughts and feelings that this engenders in couples … certainly for the one betrayed but also for the one who betrayed.  We hope that this can become an opportunity for learning and sharing issues, concerns and even successes.

Healing from Affairs

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville