Marriage Maintenance: Having A Positive Attitude Toward Forgetting

The question is, can you forget harm or hurt done to you by another person.  The answer is that there are some things that you never forget.  You can, however, recognize that small things can be forgotten, particularly when the fabric of the relationship is positive.  When couples focus on having a lot of positives in their relationship, (John Gottman even has the formula of 5 positives for every one negative) then it is easier to let go of and forget some of the disappointing or hurtful behaviors.

When the harm or hurt has been large, an affair for instance, then you may never forget.  You may be able to forgive.  That experience, however, will continue to affect your relationship.  Couples who work to repair damage and keep a healthy relationship growing,  might later remark that remembering what happened in the past actually helps them to continue to work on their marriage in the present.

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Marriage Attitudes: Thinking Positively About Forgiveness

Many people think that there are things that a spouse does that can never be forgiven.  Occasionally that may be true, but often forgiveness can occur.

When the offenses are small, spouses and partners have to think about how important it is to hold on to the hurts and anger and when to just let go of it because it is better for both parties and for the relationship.

Forgiveness for more serious behavior is best brought about by hard work done by the person who has offended.  When someone accepts responsibility for bringing about problems in a relationship and acting in a hurtful or offensive way and looks for ways to make amends for their behavior, with time, forgiveness emerges.  Of course, part of the success of achieving forgiveness does depend on an open and willing heart by the person who has been hurt.

Sometimes apologies are insincere or the work to bring about rebuilding of trust do not occur.  At this point, the person who has been hurt has to think about the overall relationship and their partner.  If he or she decides that the relationship is worth saving, the behavior is not dangerous and safety is not a concern for anyone, then forgiveness might be something to work toward.

Forgiveness does not have to mean making a statement.  Rather, it means making a statement to one’s heart and gut.  Forgiveness means letting go of the intense feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger and all of the other painful emotions for your own mental and physical health.

We would be interested in what experiences you have with forgiveness.

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