Troubled Marriages and the Holidays

Being in a troubled marriage is hard at any time.  Over the holidays it is even harder.  There is such a spotlight on relationships and the myth that everyone is happy pervades society.

I specialize in work with couples and find many of my sessions during the month of December involve survival skills for the holidays.

Whether the couple is facing a high level of conflict, infidelity and betrayal, or feeling distant and unconnected, the sadness, pain and loneliness are intensified.

Here are some of the survival skills that I have suggested as well as ones that my clients have shared with me for ways to piece together some peace during the holidays.

*  Remember that you are in charge of your own buttons, your mouth and your behavior.  You don’t have to be part of an escalating argument.  You can choose to be more peaceful, maybe detaching with love.

It really does take two to have an argument and you can choose to tell your spouse that you are “taking a bye” over the holidays.  You will be glad to spend time together when things are easy but this is not a time to fight or disagree about issues.
That can come later and, maybe with the new year, a new perspective.
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Sandy found ways to quietly say to Stan that she knew that they had a lot of things to talk about.  She knew that he was unhappy about her lack of interest in sex and how busy that she was with the children and her friends.

She reminded him that she also had concerns; however, until Christmas was over, she was going to take a moratorium on those discussions and look for peace in the family.

Sandy told Stan that she planned to write down her thoughts about both of their concerns when she was upset or thought about things, but would wait to address them until after the holidays were over.  She hoped that he could do the same and could accept that she was not going to talk about problems until January 2.
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Be A Good Valentine

Flowers, candy and presents are nice on Valentine’s Day … but that alone does not make a good Valentine.

Here are some of our suggestions for how to be a good Valentine every day.

• Show your spouse that you love him or her every day.  Obvious, right?  Most forget to do this and it can be so simple.  Little acts of love in secret places … for only her to find, frequently will help keep the romance and “special-ness” alive.
• Flirt, flirt, flirt.  “Heart” him in short text messages.  Give lots of good eye contact and laugh at her jokes.
• Keep the romance alive all year long.  Develop rituals (the 14th of every month is V-Day or all Tuesday nights involve soft music and a candle for 20 minutes after the children are in bed).  Be creative.  Simple is fine.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Holiday Rituals Are Gifts

When you think back on your childhood, what do you most remember … the gifts that you received or experiences that you had?  For us, and probably for many of you, more emotion is around how your family celebrated holidays.

It is comforting to think about that in these times of financial stress, because rituals cost very little money and are so important in bonding families together and promoting healthy and positive feelings about each other and about this special time of the year.

Some of the rituals we have heard about recently involve family outings to pick out the Christmas tree, special food, drinks and music, baking for neighbors, midnight religious ceremonies, caroling in neighborhoods.

One of our favorites involves “train night”.  We invite all of the grandchildren to spend the night, get out John’s childhood train and put it up.  One of the grandchildren gets to go with Papa John to pick out a new accessory for the train every year.  We have popcorn and hot chocolate while John reads The Polar Express and the next morning we all walk to the candy store to pick out special treats.  The children make sure that we maintain the same routine and look forward to it every year.

Please share some of your rituals with us.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville