Children in Step-families Struggle With Divided Loyalties

It is not easy being with one parent and his or her new spouse.  Children often feel left out and lonely.  They may feel conflicted by the need for family time and connection.  Activities together, especially ones involving step-siblings that they may not like, can be difficult for them.

Try to get “inside” the children’s heads.  Find some way to understand what it might be like for them and respect their struggle.

Today’s Tip for Step-families: Give the children space when they need it.  Don’t ask too many questions, just be there if and when they need you.

Want some help with your family?  Contact us.  We have a lot of experience navigating these dilemmas with couples and families and would be glad to help you.

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Step-Mothers and Nurturning

Step-mothers often mistakenly believe that they can nurture the children into a loving and caring relationship and that the children will be thrilled to have that opportunity.  Step-mothers often believe that, with their love and support, their will be no problems building a loving and caring connection.

What a challenge this is!  It rarely happens quickly, only over time.  Step-children most often still have a mother and, even if there is tension or stress there, she is still their mother and the likelihood is that they will resent anyone, especially a step-mother, trying to take her place.

Today’s tip for stepmothers: Set more realistic goals for your step-children and their relationship with you.  Celebrate even the smallest smile, positive comment or show of connection.

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Step-Fathers and Discipline

One of the biggest mistakes that men often make is to think that they can “get things in shape” with their new step-children.

New step-fathers often see their new wife, the children’s mother, as too lenient or soft and believe that what the children really need is a firmer hand and clearer rules and consequences.

If he has children of his own, a stepfather may be used to setting rules and enforcing them, and yet, that is one of the last things that he can do when entering this new family.

Today’s tip for step-fathers: Build a positive relationship with the children before attempting any kind of discipline.

You can do this from conversations about them and their lives, playing sports or games, attending school events and initiating family gatherings.

Children will rarely accept discipline from someone that they do not respect … and respect takes time to grow.

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Step-Families and Gratitude: What Is Realistic For The Children?

Step-parents, and natural parents, often expect their children to express gratitude for the many things done for them.  While this is certainly something to work toward and indicates “manners”, pushing often brings resentment.  A feeling that you do not want to have between step-parents and their step-children.

Appreciation and gratitude grow as positive relationships grow.  Nurture the relationship with your step-children and look for signs, albeit maybe small, that the relationship is growing in the right direction.

Tip for today: Do not look for or expect “thank you” or appreciation.  Celebrate when it does happen.

Want some help with your family?  Contact us. We have a lot of experience navigating these dilemmas with couples and families and would be glad to help you.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Marriage Attitudes: Thinking Positively About Solving Parenting Problems

So, you and your spouse disagree about how to handle problems with the children?

Decisions about how to handle bedtimes, poor grades, curfews, talking back are difficult because you just don’t see things eye to eye?

This is a very common problem.  While many couples acknowledge the same values for their children, along with the same “end goal” … to raise healthy, happy and well-adjusted children, often they have different ideas about how to make that happen.

We all grow up with different styles of parenting by our own parents and make decisions about how to handle problems based up what we think that they did that was either right or wrong.  While you may agree that your partner turned out quite well, you may not like the way he or she wants to parent your children.

If you can both agree that you want to find a way to handle problems that you both can support and that you will talk about it and figure it out, maybe one situation at a time, then your attitude and belief that you can do it will have a significant affect on the results.  Believing that you all can make it work and it will just take some effort to figure out how to put it together is much healthier and productive than believing that your spouse is all wrong and you, and only you, have the right answers.

What have you found our about how to handle these problems?

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